We make choices in life all the time, from the moment we wake up (and begin a series of snoozes) to those last seconds before drifting off to sleep at night.
In moments where I felt bereft of options, I was dead sure (pun intended) that the choice to disappear from life was the only one there was for me.
I can say with a 100% certainty now that regardless how recurrent that thought was; it was never going to be the right choice. But that obviously wasn't always my line of thinking.
I didn't want to live, but I also didn’t really know how to live. I didn’t even know myself. It was like living within a stranger who couldn't do anything right and who I absolutely loathed.
I don’t need to embellish further but I’m here today and I’m pretty happy in life, being alive and I’m excited for my future.
I’m glad I survived because:
- I have learnt more about myself in my recovery than ever before and grown as a person as a result.
- I have a wonderful family.
- I have people who care about me.
- I have my whole life ahead of me.
- I know now that change is possible, anything can happen and ruling out all further potential in life makes no sense to me anymore.
- I get to grow up and figure out how to be a functioning adult.
- Life has so much to it, in every aspect. It has beauty and experience and opportunity for everyone. I get to see all of that.
- I get to see sunsets and mountains and the sea.
- There’s a whole world out there I haven’t visited yet
- I could travel if I wanted.
- I could learn to drive, or take up a new hobby.
- My dogs are fun and gorgeous and good at cuddles.
- I get to meet people everyday and engage with them.
- I get to work and learn and earn.
- I get to meet such incredible people on a similar journey.
- I get to write and share my ideas.
- I know how to look after myself better.
- I get to experience so many other emotions than sadness/numbness/anger.
- I get to laugh and cry and feel.
- I’ve overcome a lot and things I thought impossible before are within my reach more and more.
- I get to go to gigs or listen to music or read books.
- I get to listen to people speak and hear inspiring stories.
- I get to see other people grow and live their lives and see their stories unfold.
- I get to speak about hope from an honest, wholehearted belief in it.
- I get to hear bad dad jokes and make awful puns :-)
- I get to buy nice things or browse the shops.
- I get to read poetry and meet people who like it too.
- I get to be heard.
Most importantly, I'm so glad that now;
I get to live.