I find this quite challenging to write as I dive back into what where my thoughts and feelings not so long ago.
I don't know how to put into words the torturous mind game I was playing with myself- where there was no winner besides the malicious voice living in my brain who triumphed by my dark and miserable state. The future seemed unbearable; I was repulsed by my own reflection and life. I believed I had accomplished nothing and I was nothing. Every day was achour, another 24 to live a life I desperately wanted to escape, leaving behind no trace of myexistence. I couldn't bare to see the pain in my mams eyes when she was around 'me'. All she wanted was to see me content and well and tried so hard but the only person who could escape me from this state was myself. Yet, I resisted. I didn't are about anything, nothing mattered, I was numb. Total abyss...
I believed the voice that told me I had nothing to offer this world. My existence didn't matter so why was I here? Fear and panic where the only emotions/feelings I knew. There was no room for fun or laughter-because nothing was fun about this game.
My only desire was escape. Before my eyes I slowly watched myself disappear, the once bubbly girl I knew was no more. Every organ slowly failing one by one and I still didn't care. I was too disconnected from myself and the world around me to even notice.
The biggest turning point in my recovery was a few months before I began the leaving cert at a doctor’s appt. I was told if I didn't change NOW I would be dead in two months and there wouldn't be a leaving cert to sit. When I heard this it didn't registrar that it was actually me in this position. The thought of not being here now literally terrifies me. On the way home from that doctors appt. I watched my mam break down in front of me pleading with me to stop listening to that voice and actually take a look at the situation I was in. The pain in her eyes and voice is something I will never forget. Instead of feeling bad about the pain I've caused her I now use it as motivation to never make her feel like that again. Despite what I thought I am her pride and joy and she loves me with every cell in her body. I Thought if I couldn't save my life for me I would do it for her and hopefully I might see the light...
A song that was playing on that long car journey home was 'Get Lucky' by Daft Punk, this may seem like a strange song to get inspiration from (I suppose you can find inspiration from anywhere you look if you really try) but a line which really stood out for me was 'We've come too far to give up who we are'. I had been on this planet 18 years! I had come too far to give up on life and the possibility that things will get better!
I wanted to want to be here and at the time that was enough. That was all the motivation I needed. Very slowly but surely I learned to press mute on that voice and see every day as an opportunity. Everyday has the potential to be the best day of your life so why not today?YOOU DECIDE! It only takes one day to realise what you want and turn your life around. I had a choice... LIFE OR DEATH? I choose life and if I didn't the women I know I am today wouldn't be here.
I have hope for my future. I want true love, exploration, discovery, laughter, real tears, friendship, experiences, EVERYTHING and It is all possible because I choose to see it like this. Hope is the foundation to believing things will and do get better! It is so easy to sit and let life pass you by, but stand up and fight for what you want. Be the inspiration and change you want to see. Suicide is not an answer to challenging times. There is always a solution and that has taken me a long time to believe but I can now honestly say there IS always something you can do. Maybe along with the help of someone who understands.Things can and will get better.
Everyone deserves to live the life they dream of, that includes YOU!